The New Sense

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

So, I guess this is the beginning of the end. Weirdness has set in. Jesus Fucking Christ! I love this guy. Yes, I do — I love him, and now I've gone and fucked it up with a simple fucking question.
Yesterday he came back and came to bed at about 2. He fucking reeked of alcohol (whisky or something) and put his arm around me. I'm getting so pissed off, just writing this. Pissed off with myself, pissed off with him. Anyway, he slept like a log, and was still in bed when I left.
I spent the day miserable at work. Olga was in a bitch of a mood. Her stomach's really gone to shit. I couldn't do anything right as far as she was concerned. Then she asked about B— and I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She looked even more pissed off after that and left. She calls us children, but she's such a baby herself.
No sign of B— all day, and when I got home there was no sign of him here either. I just watched TV all evening, then he showed up at eleven. He said hi, very civil, but that's the problem — he was very civil. I don't want to be civil with him. I want to be passionate. I want to be like it was last week.
It usually takes me months to get to this stage. Weirdness creeps up on me around four months, usually. Then there's a couple of months of decline before the split. This is all on fast-forward. It's not like a fling, where you realise that it's only sex after a week or so. No — this is real. This is already a real relationship, and it's accelerating so fast there's no way it can keep on the tracks.
This is exactly what usually happens. Conflicts creep into conversations, things begin to bug me, things begin to bug him. The sex gets better though, because it increasingly serves as an escape (as well as that we start to get used to what the other likes). There's the 'as good as it gets' peak after a few months, when the weirdness is still intermittent and the sex is the best it can be. After that the weirdness takes over from normalcy and starts impinging on the sex.
I suppose there's only one thing for it — we have to talk about this. It's make or break, because right now it's all going to shit anyway..
He's in bed right now. Should I go in and talk? Come on, Sara. Don't be like Mom. Let's go. You can do it.

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posted by Sara