The New Sense

Sunday, August 04, 2002

I called Christine and she said she'd seen Vlad yesterday afternoon. He asked about me, asked if I was okay. What a bastard. She told him I was fine, but had a bad cold (good girl!) and he didn't stay long. I have to decide what I'm going to do tomorrow morning. If I go into work and see him, should I pretend nothing has happened, so that I can feed him misinformation about B—? This was B—'s idea and I think it's a good one. For example I could tell him that B— and I have broken up and he's left Montreal for New York. Maybe he'll take the bait and we'll be rid of him? The trouble is, I don't know if I can do that. I don't think I can pull it off. I'm just too angry. I even dreamed about him last night. Uuuurgh!
B— has just been sitting around reading, but I can't sit still for very long. Oh, gotta puke.
Well, that's interesting. Christine just phoned to tell me that Vlad just left. He told her he had to go out of town for a while and is leaving this evening. If I hadn't opened my big mouth and told him about B— coming back, I'd have thought that he had fallen for B—'s trick with his mother and gone back to Vancouver. Is this a trick of his own? At least he doesn't know that we know (god, this is fucked up). Anyway, now I can go into work tomorrow without worrying about what I'm going to do when I see him.
Now it's later. I'm lying in bed and B— is in the shower. When I told him about Sean leaving he went all pensive, then said that I must always assume the worst with him — he's very intelligent, and has probably got some other plan. Mind you, B— did admit that it was possible Sean actually had to go back to the States to report to his bosses in person. I realised I'd never really asked him about that. I'd almost forgotten that this wasn't just some kind of personal vendetta between the two of them. This is what B— said:
"The lab where Sean works is pseudo-governmental. Its activities don't have to fall under the scrutiny of budget committees and that kind of thing. But it is financed by the US government indirectly somehow. Sean explained all this to me last year, when he was trying to convince me to go there of my own accord for experimentation. On me."
"But what's the big deal? This is all about some kind of theory, isn't it? Why's it worth all the trouble?"
"Well, Einstein had a theory, didn't he? And as a result of his theory people made nuclear weapons. Mathematics is as much a way of seeing the world as my sense is. It's a description, that's all, but it's ended up being very powerful for certain things. Einstein didn't think up the theory of relativity, then the next morning wake up and go, 'Oh my god — now they'll invent nuclear weapons!' did he? Theories are just tools and no-one knows what they'll ultimately enable people to do. The theories that Sean is interested in have as much potential for changing the way we live as those of Einstein. And I'm not saying that Sean is another Einstein — he's intelligent, but that's not the point. He's lucky. He's lucky he grew up with me and was exposed to my sense. Now he's involved in something where he sees the potential for huge success, and I might be the key. I'm actually surprised he managed to convince his bosses that it was worth pursuing me. Even with whatever evidence he gathered from the surveillance he set up at my house in Vancouver, they probably thought he was a crank at first.
"Anyway, he's so driven that even without official permission from the lab he would have taken it upon himself to find me and reel me in somehow, then worry about proving my worth to them later."
"And what do you think? Do you think your sense has anything to do with this theory?"
"Maybe. But I'm not interested in finding out. I prefer to explore the philosophical implications of my sense, rather than the scientific ones. There are other ways of interpreting reality. Science is interested in other ways of harnessing reality. And that's not necessarily a good thing. Unless you think that nuclear weapons are a good thing."
No. Obviously not. This is serious. I think that's what's sunk in over this weekend. There was always something 'adventurous' about life with B—, something exciting, like a movie, really. Now there's been some kind of switch and what seemed to be fiction is actually reality. My little problems are now my big problems. His big problems are my big problems, and, in the worst case scenario, are other people's problems too.

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posted by Sara