Emails between B— and me
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : nothing
Date : Fri, 19 Jul 2002 20:39:44 -0800 (PST)I think I came for nothing. I went straight to my birth mother's old address as soon as I got here. It was in an apartment building, and the best information I could get out of tenants was from an incredibly old woman who seems to spend her days walking up and down the hallways very slowly. I don't think she has the most reliable memory in the world, but she told me that she remembered the young woman with the baby twenty-odd years ago, because it was around the time her husband was having his first bout of cancer. She remembered there being a baby and then the baby not being there any more, so that makes sense.
I asked her what the young woman was like, and she told me she had dark hair. That was it - dark hair. When I asked her if she remembered how long the young woman lived in the apartment she said she left a few years ago, and, of course, had no idea where she went..
The janitor was no more help, but I left a note for the landlord in the vain hope that she might have left a forwarding address..
I looked up Weiskopf in the phone book, but there aren't any. While sitting here in the internet café I looked up the name for the whole of BC, and there was only one entry, in Prince George. I called him, but he had no idea who I was referring to. Of course if she's married she's more-or-less untraceable..
I'm going to stay for a couple of days while I consider what I should do..
I hope you are well. I miss you..
Love,.
B.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Hi
Date : Sat, 20 Jul 2002 18:18:27 -0800 (PST)Hi,
I think I'm going to stick around here a bit longer. There's someone I want to see. I'll keep you posted.
B.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Sorry
Date : Sun, 21 Jul 2002 18:43:03 -0800 (PST)Hi,
I'm so sorry. I just read your email. I wasn't thinking when I sent my last one - I was just excited because I had an idea and I wanted to get on it right away. I really miss you. I'm staying in a boring hotel, and have to keep taking taxis everywhere so I don't run into people I know, so I feel like some kind of businessman at a conference or something, but without the conference. I'm a visitor in my own city.
But I love you and am looking forward to seeing you again. I didn't realize what an effect it would have on you, that last email. I'm an inconsiderate oaf. I'm a piece of muck on the floor. I'm the scum in the drainpipe. But I'm also someone who is trying to find out where they came from, what they're all about. I don't know if you can understand this, but talk to a friend who's adopted if you like and see what they say. And for me it's even worse, because I'm different, and my genetic heritage is so crucial for me and for my children (and I do care about our baby. I really do.) I sometimes feel like I'm marooned on an alien planet with creatures who look just like me but aren't the same. Yet I know that there are others like me, visible but hidden. I think there might have been a movie or a Twilight Zone like that, but for me it's a genuine feeling.
You have to just be patient with me for another few days while I try to make some headway.
Take care. I love you.
B.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Puppet
Date : Tue, 23 Jul 2002 22:02:58 -0800 (PST)Hi,
Did you see the news - the Pope arriving in Toronto? I swear that he was being worked like a puppet by some guy when he waved from the steps of the plane! He's dead! The aliens in Star Wars are about ten times more realistic than he is.
I haven't got much news, but I do have a plan. It will take me a couple of days, so be patient - I'll write to you when I have something concrete to tell you.
I just wanted to say hi and make sure you're OK.
I love you,
B.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : research
Date : Tue, 26 Jul 2002 18:12:33 -0800 (PST)Hi S.,
Well, I think I might have done all I can. The person I wanted to see was Stephanie, and she tried to help, but it didn't amount to much. She still thinks I'm nuts, but I managed to convince her to go and see my parents and tell them she was worried about me. When they asked her if she knew where I was she told them she thinks that I'm trying to contact my birth mother. I was hoping that they'd give her some useful information about this Rebecca Weiskopf so that I could trace her, but they couldn't. All they told her was that Rebecca would call every year or so until I was about 8 years old, to see how I was. The last time she called she told them she had gotten married and was moving away. It's as I feared. There's practically no way to trace her. And she's probably had children with someone else. If she's the carrier of the Neanderthal gene that gives me my sense, those kids could have it too. Then again, if it's passed through the male line, who knows where my real father is. I'd have to find Rebecca, ask her his name, then hope that it's someone that can be traced fairly easily. I guess when our baby's born I'll eventually find out if the gene is passed on by male genes or not.
I had another idea though, and went to see Sean's mother (his father died a while ago), telling her I'd been away, was back in town, and was thinking of trying to get back in touch with Sean. This way, she'll tell him the next time she speaks to him, and it might make him leave Montreal, in which case we'll be in the clear.
I really hope we'll be in the clear, because I hate the thought that you see my sense as a negative thing. If we could lead a normal life together you'd see what a positive outlook it gives me. I miss you and am looking forward to coming back. I may wait two or three more days here, just to run into Sean's mother again 'by accident' to concretize the deception.
I hope you're well. I'm thinking about you a lot.
Love,
B.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Philosophy
Date : Wed, 31 Jul 2002 19:22:08 -0800 (EST)Hi S.,
I decided to spend the night in Sudbury as I just couldn't hack another one in the bus. I'll get the first bus in the morning and see you when you get off your shift.
The book I've been reading, "Philosophy and the Mirror of Nature" by the American philosopher Richard Rorty, is very interesting. I think I showed it to you before I left. Remind me to talk to you about it.
I'm actually surprised they have an internet café here. Apart from the big nickel there's nothing.
That's it. See you soon!
Love,
B.
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : Why?
Date : Fri, 11 Oct 2002 21:13:50 -0500 (EST)Why did you go? Now we’re both in danger. I’m alone and I’m going to have a baby and you’re with that bastard. Are you really with Sean, like Olga said? Please email me as soon as you can. I really miss you.
S
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : I’m worried
Date : Thu, 17 Oct 2002 21:45:11 -0500 (EST)Hi,
I’m so worried about you, my love. I thought I would have heard from you by now. Please, please contact me the moment that you can. I’m sure my worrying like this can’t be good for the baby, so even if you don’t care about my mental state, for the baby’s sake, please let me know what’s going on. I’m going nuts.
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Chicago
Date : Mon, 21 Oct 2002 12:10:38 -0500 (CST)Hi S,
I haven’t been able to write until now, but I honestly wouldn’t have known what to say anyway. I’m sorry I’m such a coward, but I couldn’t risk Sean finding out about the pregnancy, and it was going to start showing soon. This is the worst time of my life. I feel like shit ever day and I think about you all the time.
I hope Olga told you that I came with Sean to Chicago (actually about 40 miles away from the city). I’m at a place called the Skinner Institute. They blindfolded me on the way here, though of course I could tell where we were going. The Institute’s along a private road far from any town or highway.
It’s not as bad as I expected. I’m not exactly a prisoner here, but leaving would be difficult without my sense. They don’t let me have any contact with the outside world, but I finally managed to get access to the net. I won’t write much though, as the guy who’s office I’m in is only at lunch.
I’m Sean’s pet project. I might as well be his pet, in fact. There is lots of weird stuff going on in this place, and one of the reasons I wanted to come here was to try to find out someting about what they’re doing here. There aren’t really any areas that are off-limits, but I can tell that there’s a huge basement floor, and there’s no obvious way to access it. I really want to know what’s down there.
Did Olga book an appointment for her stomach op? She shouldn’t wait long.
Have to go. Hope you and the baby are OK.
I’ll write when I can. Reply to this address if you like.
I love you,
B
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : I love you
Date : Mon, 21 Oct 2002 21:01:57 -0500 (EST)Hi,
I’m so glad to hear from you. I’ve been going nuts over the last few days. Yes, Olga did make herself an appointment, and the doctor confirmed what you could tell - she needs a stomach operation. She’s in a pretty bad way.
I’m fine, though my belly is getting weird and hard. Apparently the baby is about 10 inches long now. That’s amazing! I’ve been getting tireder, and don’t know if I’ll stay working at the bar for long. I haven’t old mom about you leaving yet, and I don’t know what she’ll do.
I’ve been hanging out with Kelly - she came maternity shopping with me, but the stuff out there is complete crap! Apparently the Gap has maternity clothes, but they don’t stock them in Canada, so you have to get them ordered by the Burlington store and drive down to pick them up. I can still fit in all my clothes, but it isn’t going to be long.
It snowed here last night! Can you believe it?
I miss you so much and wish you’d come back. I’m sure Sean won’t be able to hurt us if we stick together and help each other. Please think about it.
I love you,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Don’t panic
Date : Sat, 26 Oct 2002 12:14:10 -0500 (CST)Hi S,
I just managed to sneak in here again during this guy’s lunchtime. I wish I could write more often, but they’re keeping me quite busy with these experiments. Sean’s like a pig in shit.
One thing’s for sure - there’s something very, very strange going on in the basement. From what I can sense, there is lots of activity down there, but no way for me to access it. There’s an elevator, but you need a special ID to go down there. The stairway entances are locked from the inside. I hope there isn’t a fire down there, for the sake of the occupants. I can sense lots of small animals or people in one section of the basement, I can’t quite tell which. There’s also a lot of electrical apparatus. It’s very disturbing.
I don’t think I can come back, Sara. I remember reading somewhere once about someone who was stuck in an elevator in a foreign country. She waited for a minute, then looked for a button to press for help. That’s when she noticed that there were two buttons; one marked Emergency and one marked Panic. She laughed for so long at that that the elevator started moving again before she chose which button to press. And that’s why there were two buttons, I guess. Because one button would make you panic more, but when there’s two it just makes you laugh. And in the meantime things are happening. That’s how I feel right now.
I wish there was an opposite to involve. I wish I could exvolve myself from all this. But I can’t, so I have to deal with it in the best way I can.
Write back and let me know how you are. Try to keep the email short, though, because my internet access time is very limited.
I love you,
B
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : worried
Date : Sat, 26 Oct 2002 16:30:02 -0500 (EST)Hi B,
I’m really worried about you. What experiments are they doing on you? Please describe them to me so that I needn’t worry. Unless I need to. And I don’t think you should worry about what’s in the basement. You should take care of yourself and make sure you’re okay, so that you can escape when you want to.
I can feel the baby kicking quite a lot now. It’s kind of weird - like being pinched from the inside. Not what I expected at all.
You asked me to keep it short, so I will. I love you, but am very worried about you. Please take care of yourself.
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Experiments
Date : Tue, 29 Oct 2002 12:09:43 -0500 (CST)Hi S,
So you want to know what kind of experiments they’re doing on me? Mostly very boring stuff, like me sitting in a white room, telling them how many counters there are behind a screen, what position they’re in, and what colour they are (can’t tell what colour, of course). All the while they have electrodes on my head (which they shaved) and a whole bunch of monitors. Sometimes they put me inside some kind of CAT scan-type machine, and, I guess, look at my brain. They vary the material the screen is made of to see if it makes a difference to my prediction success rate. Sometimes I get it wrong on purpose to screw them up, but I’ve got a feeling that I’m also attached to a lie-detector, so, chances are they know when I’m faking.
Of course they take blood samples every couple of days, but they already had some before I got here. I don’t think they’ve thought to look elsewhere in my body for the source of my sense, which just shows what a Cartesian bias they have (I have to get you to read Rorty’s book).
As for the basement, I’m just too curious. I can’t keep away. They can’t keep me locked up in my room all day, so I get to walk around. They’re kind of dumb, not realising that my sense, the whole reason they want me here, helps me find out what else they’re doing.
Got to go now. Write me some news.
I love you,
B
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : worried
Date : Tue, 29 Oct 2002 22:01:33 -0500 (EST)Hi my love,
Thanks for keeping me informed. You wouldn’t believe how much it helps me get through the days, knowing that you’re still okay. The experiments don’t sound too bad, so I’m kind of relieved about that. But I don’t like the sound of the big machine. What if they’re shooting you full of radiation or something? Do you feel okay?
I’ve been okay, though my anti-puke pills ran out and I started puking again, which was disappointing. It’s normal though, for some women to have ‘morning sickness’ throughout their pregnancy.
Tell me, are there other people like you at the Institute? Surely the place wasn’t built in anticipation of your arrival. Do you see people walking around the corridors (I imagine lots of corridors for some reason)?
Okay, I feel like I’m asking lots of questions and you wanted me to keep it short. Just know that I love you more than ever, and I think about you all the time. Please take care of yourself.
Love,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : The Basement
Date : Thu, 31 Oct 2002 12:21:21 -0500 (CST)Hi S,
Yesterday they took me to a part of the Intitute I’ve never visited before, and put me in this machine which spins around this way and that, while I try to tell them what’s behind the screen. It was easy, so I guess my sense is more like hearing or smell - it’s more-or-less independant of direction, unlike sight. I’d never really thought about that too much, so at least I found out something about myself!
What was really interesting was that this new part of the Institute was above a section of the basement that I hadn’t been able to detect with any clarity before. And I thin I might know what’s going on there. I think they’ve got some kind of breeding program going on. I could sense dozens of babies in cots or incubators. The only ting I couldn’t be sure about was whether they were human babies, or maybe chimpanzees or some similar ape or monkey.
What the hell are they doing? Have they extracted something from my DNA and are cloning people (or apes) with my sense? Does it have anything to do with me, or is it a totally different experiment? I might confront Sean about it at some point. It could be useful for me if he knows that I know what’s going on down there. Then again, I for sure won’t be allowed anywhere near there agaun, so I’m not going to do that right away.
I don’t have time to write a lot morenow. Yes, I think there are a few others here, like me, but I’m not allowed to talk to them (though I’ve hardly ever seen them). However I can sense that they are involved in similar experiments to me. But I think that the Institute was built for whatever’s going on in the basement.
And don’t worry - I’m not getting irradiated. I feel fine, and I’m sure they don’t want to harm me.
I love you,
B
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : worried
Date : Thu, 31 Oct 2002 21:15:00 -0500 (EST)Hi my love,
I just got your email. I’m really, really worried about you now. Please don’t do anything stupid about this basement thing. I really don’t like the sound of it, and it’s stressing me out. It’s got nothing to do with you. Stay there, if you think you have to, and help them with their experiments, if you think it’s better for me and the baby, but getting involved with this other stuff doesn’t help me at all. In fact it only stresses me more, which is bad for a pregnant woman.
I love you so much, and I really need to believe that you’ll be okay and will come home to me one day. Why can’t you just leave there? You said it would be easy for you.
Please take care,
Love,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Basement
Date : Sat, 2 Nov 2002 12:06:52 -0500 (CST)Hi,
I can’t write much at all right now because I’m going to try to get down to the basement and find out exactly what’s going on. If they are doing some kind of fucked-up cloning experiments with either chimps or human babies, I don’t want to make their reserch any easier by participating in their experiments. If my DNA was what they were after, they already had that before I arrived, so there must be some other reason for them to experiment on me. I’ve got a feeling that the tests they had me do so far were just a kind of preliminary stage, almost as though Sean has to prove to his bosses that my sense is for real before they can onto the next step.
Please don’t worry about my safety - even if they catch me they’re not going to do me any harm. They need me conscious to find out more about my sense.
I love you.
B
PS - I think you should quit Olga’s. It can’t be good for you or the baby.
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : worried
Date : Sat, 2 Nov 2002 16:22:44 -0500 (EST)Hi B,
I am worried about your safety. How could I not be? You don’t know that they need you conscious, do you? You have no idea what they really want. You might have your sense, but you’re not psychic, as you like to always remind me.
Please, please be careful, for my sake and for the baby. We certainly do need you conscious.
And yes, I am seriously thinking about quitting Olga’s.
I don’t know what else to say except that even though I know you’re staying at the Institute to protect us (it’s cool to write ‘us’) it would make me much happier if you got away from that place.
Take care. I love you,
S
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : worried
Date : Sat, 9 Nov 2002 11:08:02 -0500 (EST)Hi,
It’s been a week now that I haven’t had any news form you. I’m so worried. No, I’m scared now. I’m scared that they’ve done something terrible to you and that I’ll never see you again.
Please, even if you only have time to send the word ‘safe’ in the subject line, send me an email. I’m going crazy here in the dark like this.
I love you more than ever.
S.
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : Sean
Date : Thu, 9 Jan 2003 21:28:58 -0500 (EST)Hi B,
I don’t know when you’ll read this, obviously, but I have to tell you something. I just got an email from Sean [attached] saying that you’re not who you say you are.
In fact I have to admit something - I copied your birth certificate and adoption papers when you received them. I’m sorry, but I just felt this urge, like one day those papers would be the only concrete link I’d have with you. And over the last 3 months they have been.
I really thought I’d lost you, and I felt so helpless that I decided to make a weblog to try to find you or help you. Please don’t be mad at me, but I’ve been putting my diary entries online from the time we first met, so all the stuff about your sense is out in public now. I know you’re not going to be happy about this, but you have to understand that I really needed to stop feeling helpless. Besides, I think ultimately it will be a good thing if more people know about your sense.
One thing you don’t have to worry about is Sean tracking me down. I’ve sublet the apartment and am staying at mom’s for now (she broke up with René, by the way) because I thought it would be safer. I haven’t written the name of the town on the website, so you don’t need to worry about me or the baby.
I love you,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Pissed off
Date : Tue, 21 Jan 2003Hi,
Why have you done this weblog? I read your explanation and I just don’t understand how you think it’s going to help. Are you completely nuts? There are people after me and you decide it’s a good idea to let them know everything about me... And as for photocopying the documents, I’m so angry about that, Sara.
I feel betrayed by you. I don’t think you realise what you’re doing. At least use your brain - stop cutting and pasting the whole header part of the emails I send you. Take out the bit with the timezone so that Sean and the others won’t have any clue where I am.
I’m really fuming, reading your diary entries, how much personal stuff you’ve put on the site. I may not email you again, Sara. Like I said, I feel betrayed.
This isn’t a game.
‘B’
PS - I escaped from the Institute 3 days ago
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : I love you
Date : Tue, 21 Jan 2003 22:50:06 -0500 (EST)My love,
My god, I can’t believe you’re okay. I’d almost given up hope that I’d ever hear from you again and I was starting to doubt all kinds of things about you.
Please, please don’t be angry. You have to understand that I need to do this and I’m only trying to help you. Actually I’m also trying to help our baby, because I want people to know about your sense so that if he has it he’s not going to be hounded like you are right now.
I love you so much and I told you I’m sorry about the documents. But I won’t take them offline because I really, truly believe it’s the best thing. Maybe someone will know your birth mother and be able to put you in touch with her.
As far as I’m concerned, Sean can’t have any idea how to find me. [I’ve edited this part, about my mother and how her family name isn’t traceable through the regular methods, because I don’t want to give Sean any clue as to how to find me.]
Please read the site. Maybe you’ll see what I’ve been going through a bit more clearly. I’m only doing what I think it right. I have to put personal stuff on the site because otherwise no-one will think it’s real or find it interesting and the whole thing will be for nothing. This is the only way I can think of to help you and anyone else with your sense. Surely you can see that it might work?
I’m so upset now and my hands hurt. I can’t write more. Please email me when you get this. I’m completely freaking out.
I love you,
S
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : Please write
Date : Thu, 23 Jan 2003 09:32:45 -0500 (EST)B,
Please write back to me. At least to let me know that you’re reading the blog. This is worse than when I didn’t know whether you were alive or dead.
I love you,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject :
Date : Thu, 23 Jan 2003I am reading it.
B
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Sorry
Date : Wed, 29 Jan 2003Hi S,
OK, I finally finished reading the blog. I’m still upset when I thin about all the personal stuff on the site, but I’m sorry I got so mad at you. What else can I say? For one thing, I don’t have any choice in the matter, for another, I guess you’re right. Or even if you aren’t 100% right, the blog might do some good. Maybe there are others like me out there who one day might read it. It’s going to be hard to tell who’s bullshitting without meeting them, though.
I love you, Sara. I miss you and I’m sorry I got so angry at you. You have to understand that this has become quite an obsession for me, hiding my sense, so to see it put out there for anyone to see was quite the shock.
B
To : beyonderc@yahoo.ca
Subject : Please write
Date : Wed, 29 Jan 2003 17:49:03 -0500 (EST)My love,
Thank you so much for making the effort to read the blog and for trying to understand. That’s why I love you - you always seem to understand things. I’m so relieved that you’ve given me the benefit of the doubt. I know how hard the last few years has been for you, and especially that you were betrayed by your best friend, but I love you and would never do anything like that. I think you know that the proof is in the pudding (or in my case in the bun!)
Should we try doing some ICQ chat thing? So it’ll seem like we’re close? I’d really like that.
Please write back soon and especially tell me how you escaped from the Institute. And why, if you were so convinced that you should stay there for the safety of me and the baby?
I love you,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : the escape
Date : Fri, 31 Jan 2003Hi my love,
I don’t think ICQ-ing is a good idea. I’m not sure what kind of internet surveillance the Institute has available to them, but staying online together for extended periods of time is probably pushing our luck. In fact, I’m going to stop using this email address. Please don’t put the new one online, as they might somehow be able to trace at minimum which city I’m emailing from.
As for the Institute, you’re right, I originally chose to stay in that damn place because I didn’t want Sean to go after you and the baby instead of me, but I just couldn’t stay there any longer. This is how I escaped:
Just after I sent you my last email I managed to steal a keycard and gain access to the basement. I was right - they were doing a cloning experiment down there. I found six baby chimps in cages. I needed to get close to the chimps to be able to use my sense to tell if they were actually clones. I’m 90% sure that they were. It was so sad - they looked so lonely without their mothers.
I knew I would only have a minute or so before their surveillance would detect me, so I decided to go for broke. I opened all the cages and grabbed the chimps. It was all I could do. I felt so terrible, Sara. Part of me wanted to kill the chimps because I didn’t want the scientists to run a successful cloning experiment, but I couldn’t kill them. The were clinging onto me so tightly. It was a horrible feeling.
A few seconds later an alarm went off. I ran, holding the chimps, to the fire escape, but I could tell that people were coming down the staircase from the floor above. I made a break for it anyway, but there was nowhere to go and they surrounded me. The poor little chimps were still clinging onto me, terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I was totally out of options. They grabbed me, injected me with something and I passed out.
When I woke up I was lying on a bed, wearing a straightjacket, blindfolded, and wearing some kind of headphone which played a constant tone in my ears so I couldn’t hear any external sounds. My head was very heavy. I’m sure I was still drugged. All the same, I could sense the scientists in the room next door, which was separated from my room by a glass wall. I was full of equipment, maybe to monitor my physical state, I don’t know. A few minutes later Sean entered the observation room.
I got up off the bed and went towards the door, which I could sense was open. I could also sense that there was nobody in the corridor outside, so I started to walk along it. I was very unsteady on my feet, but I wanted to get away from them. I went around a corner, through another doorway, and that was when I started to sense people following me. Then I sensed people coming in the other direction and was caught. They took me back to my room, where Sean was waiting, talking to another man. Then the other man injected me again and I passed out.
I kept on waking in the same room, alone, woozy, after dreaming that I had been walking down the corridor (which sometimes changed configuration) wearing the straightjacket, blindfold and headphones. I couldn’t tell what was reality and what was a dream. They never let me get completely lucid. The room they were holding me in was little better than a prison cell with an adjoining bathroom. One day I refused to drink, because I assumed that the water was drugged, but they just injected me instead.
I’ve no idea how much time went by. Some days I was more lucid than others. And on one of those days I came to the realisation that I was just a rat in a maze; that they were giving me different drugs to affect different parts of my brain, then letting me leave the room and observing how I coped with the changed corridor configurations. I guess they were testing my sense under different drugs to try to figure out how it worked or how to stop it working. For all I know there are others like me around, and the scientists know about them. Maybe they feel threatened by people with my sense and want to find a way to keep us drugged up, as though they were treating a psychiatric condition. I don’t know.
Then, three days ago, I woke up and my head was a lot clearer. It was the same routine. I woke up and the door to my room was open, inviting me to attempt the maze again. I went down the corridor, and for once the drugs only had a slight affect on all my senses. I could tell as I approached a corner that the wall in front of me was very thin. It was part of the fake walls they used to change the maze configuration. I ran at it and broke through it. Then I started to run as fast as I could. People were running after me, but I was alert enough to be able to sense which corridors were safe to go down.
I soon got out of the maze part of the building. I reached an empty office and went inside. There was a partition window, which I kicked in. Shards of glass were left sticking out of the frame, so I turned my back to it and used a shard to cut through the fabric of the straightjacket sleeves. Normally this would be no problem with my sense, but because of the drugs I really had to concentrate so as not to slice through my arm. I cut though and tore off the straightjacket, the blindfold and the headphones. I could tell that my pursuers were close, but this was exactly the kind of situation where my sense gives me a huge advantage. I hid in a cupboard until I knew they’d passed. I found a coat and a pair of boots, then made my way to a perimeter office on the ground floor (I had been held on the third all this time), avoiding the people who were after me. There were alarms blaring and people rushing all over the building, but my head was getting clearer by the minute and I knew exactly which way to go so I wouldn’t run into them.
I broke the office window and climbed out, then ran for the forest. Again, I could tell exactly where the guards in the grounds were positioned, so I managed to evade them. It was a full moon, and I was leaving tracks in the snow, so I knew they’d be on my trail very quickly. I wasn’t physically strong enough to run very fast, and it was absolutely freezing, so I had to think of a way of really putting some distance between them and me.
But there wasn’t a way. The trees didn’t provide enough cover, the tracks were easy to follow, and it was so cold that I couldn’t hope to outrun them to the highway. The Institute is on a private road about five miles from the nearest rural route.
I reached a frozen stream and came up with a way to fool them. I made some snowballs and threw them into the snow covering the frozen stream, spaced apart to look like my tracks if I’d run along the stream. That was when I was grateful for having been a quarterback! Then I carefully retraced my steps from the edge of the stream, back to where there was a small ridge and a drop-off. I took a fallen fir branch, held it above my head, and rolled down the incline. The idea was to make a pattern in the snow which wouldn’t look like it had been made by a person. I looked back at the ridge from where I had rolled to, and sure enough, it just looked as though the falling branch had caused some snow to slide down the incline.
I was really just acting on adrenaline and instinct, but afterwards, when I thought about it, I realised that I’d used the Tyranny of Sight against them. Precisely because the moon was full and my tracks were so clear in the snow, they were forced to follow what their eyes told them to follow. I waited, lying in the snow at the bottom of the incline, covered by snow and the branch, as I sensed them approach the ridge and the stream. There were about a dozen of them, including Sean. Then I sensed them follow my fake footsteps along the stream. One of them even broke through the ice and yelled out in fear. They reached the end of my tracks and stopped, confused. Then they spread out and kept going, looking up in the trees a swell as for signs on the ground. As soon as they were far enough away I doubled back to the Institute, covering my tracks by using the branch as a brush. If I’d have stayed out much longer I would have frozen to death, so I had no choice but to go back.
I sneaked back inside and hid in an empty office. Needless to say, they weren’t expecting me to try to break back into the Institute, so it wasn’t difficult. I stayed in the cupboard the whole of Sunday, while I thought up my plan.
I had already noticed that a laundry truck came every Monday morning. I had no trouble sneaking around and hiding in a hamper before it was loaded onto the truck. And that was it. The truck drove to a town near Chicago and I was free.
I can’t tell you where I am now, but I’m not there any more. I’m writing this from an internet café, and will try to access email every couple of days at the most. I can’t come back to Montreal right now because that will be the first place Sean will look. I suggest you be very careful. He might already be there, or someone else who works for the Institute.
Over the last two days I’ve been thinking about what I experienced at the Institute. I think they might have perfected their cloning technique on chimps, have taken my DNA and are intending to clone versions of me through sperm banks across the States, so they can have access to others with my sense. It’s just a theory, but it’s plausible. A woman in every state goes to a sperm bank and gets impregnated. She’s none the wiser that the embryo is a clone of me, and these women will never meet, so nobody will notice that the kids grow up looking the same.
And what would Sean and the scientists at the Institute want clones of me for? Maybe he saw the last Star Wars film - maybe they’ll be super soldiers with the ability to ‘see’ the enemy through walls, who knows? What I do know is that if they took my DNA from the blood sample that was stolen from the AIDS test lab, those cloned babies will be born a month or two after our baby.
I hope you are doing okay and that the pregnancy is going well. I feel so bad that I can’t be there with you. You understand, don’t you, that it would be far too risky for me to show my face in Montreal?
Please let me know how you are.
I love you more than ever.
B
To : B
Subject : worried
Date : Fri, 31 Jan 2003 21:39:22 -0500 (EST)Hi,
I can’t believe what they tried to do to you at the Institute. That’s exactly what I was worried about. Your escape sounds incredible. Weren’t you scared? I’m so proud of you. Ow - the baby just gave a kick - he must be proud of his daddy!
Please write again as soon as you can. I can’t write too much because I’ve developed carpal tunnel syndrome as a result of the pregnancy and my hands go numb after writing for a few minutes. The baby is fine, though. My belly is huge, and I’m tired all the time.
I miss you so much. Please come back. I need you and the baby will need you very soon. Oh yes, I thought of naming him Richard. It’s so tough, finding a name which sounds okay and which works in English and French. What do you think?
I love you,
S
PS - It’s a shame you think that we shouldn’t chat online, but I’ll respect that.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Questions
Date : Sat, 1 Feb 2003S,
Could you give me some more details about how the pregnancy is going? Isn’t there anything they can give you for the carpal tunnel syndrome? I’m not sure I’m that keen on the name Richard, but I can’t be too picky in my situation, can I?
I love you and miss you,
B
To : B
Subject : Slight paranoia
Date : Sat, 1 Feb 2003 21:28:34 -0500 (EST)Hi B,
I have a question - what are you doing while you’re in hiding? In fact, to what extent are you in hiding (I won’t put any details online, don’t worry)? How do I know you won’t just slowly forget about me and then in six months’ time you’ll walk into another Olga’s in another city and fall in love with another waitress? And have another baby? How do I know that that’s not what you do? That your goal isn’t to populate the planet with children who have the new sense too?
I’m feeling a bit paranoid, as you can see. I keep thinking about what Sean wrote about you not being who you say you are. Plus, my hormones make me extra-susceptible to these kinds of insecurities, I think.
As for the pregnancy, apart from me having pretty much every bad reaction a woman can have, I’m fine. I mean, I’ve had morning, noon and night sickness, super-swollen feet, carpal tunnel syndrome, drink so much water that I wake up six times a night to pee, so that I never get a good night’s sleep, the whole shebang. My skin, hair and nails are healthier than they’ve ever been though. So I shouldn’t complain.
I love you so much. Looking forward to hearing from you again.
Your love,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: Slight paranoia
Date : Sun, 2 Feb 2003Hi S,
No, don’t worry - I love you and I’m not about to fall in love with the first girl I see. I think about you all the time. I know how corny that sounds, but it’s true. You’re my anchor. You’re my Pole Star. Okay, now I’m getting REALLY corny. You’re my woman. How’s that? And you have a piece of me inside you every minute of the day to remind you of me.
So, what am I going to do? Research. I need to find out whatever I can about my sense, about my genetic heritage and whether there are others like me. I doubt I’ll find out much about the latter, but I’ll try. I’m not going back to Vancouver though, because that would be a bit too obvious for Sean.
I’m sending you some more cash by mail, as it’s the most anonymous way of transferring money, and I honestly don’t care if it gets lost or stolen. I can always get more. And I won’t be in the city on the postmark any more by the time you receive it. So you probably won’t hear from me for about three days.
Please take care of your health. You and the baby are so important to me I can’t even express it.
I love you,
B
PS - I read today that NASA had estimated the chances of a fatal shuttle accident at 1 in 145. They’ve had 80-odd missions, and now have had two disasters. They’ll probably have 100 more without any trouble, so they’re not far off the mark. I just thought that was interesting.
To : B
Subject : Names
Date : Sun, 2 Feb 2003 22:01:39 -0500 (EST)Hi my love,
Thanks for putting my mind at rest about your feelings for me. Mind you, you still haven’t answered the question about your identity and whether your documents are forgeries.
As for baby names, it really is tough. How about Christian? Or Zachary?
Just so you know, mom told me that I should make a will, because I (we) should name a couple as legal guardians of the baby if anything happens to both of us. Or if anything happens to me and no-one knows where the hell you are. I was thinking of Kelly and John. Ideally it should be a really stable couple who are around our age. I don’t know any. Do you? So Kelly and John it is. And if we change our minds we can update the will at any time.
I have to go to bed now. I’m totally exhausted.
I love you,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Interesting book
Date : Wed, 5 Feb 2003S,
I’m reading this really interesting book by Mario Livio called ‘The Accelerating Universe’. In it he makes the case that scientists and mathematicians are poets at heart - they want things to be beautiful. The trouble is, they’re not.
Quote from the book: “never in the history of physics have aesthetic arguments played a more dominant role than in the attempts to answer the question of whether the universe will expand forever.”
This is the problem with people viewing the universe with their human brains and senses and then describing it in those terms: what we call the laws of physics aren’t laws at all; they’re just pretty good stories people have come up with to explain things. The stories keep changing, though, and will continue to change. Of course, from our point of view, it seems like we’re much more knowledgeable about the universe than people were hundreds of years ago. That statement is only true if you define knowledge in a way which cannot be true. There is no way of having knowledge, there are only stories we tell using our signs and symbols. Some of them help some people and so become adopted by others. The universe exists because it exists, not because it has laws. That way of looking at things is fundamentally no different than saying that the universe exists because God made it that way; it presupposes a purpose. Our laws are just descriptions which serve the needs of some people in certain circumstances. In the future, they’ll have different laws, and think that we were living in ignorance right now. And they won’t be any wiser than we are, because the only wisdom is knowing that you can never really know.
Does this make sense to you? Oh, and did you get the money yet?
I love you,
B
To : B
Subject : Names
Date : Wed, 5 Feb 2003 20:10:03 -0500 (EST)Hi B,
What the hell was all that about? What does it have to do with research on your sense or your family? If you’re just out there somewhere killing time while I’m having a baby I’m not going to be too happy about it.
I went on a tour of St. Mary’s hospital today with Kelly. It’s a nice place, but the nurse was a moron. If she shows up in the delivery room I’m going to punch her out, I swear.
Maybe in your next email you could write some personal stuff?
Love,
S
PS - Didn’t get the money yet.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Wrapped up
Date : Thu, 6 Feb 2003My love,
I tend to get wrapped up in these subjects sometimes and forget that not everyone is as interested in them as I am. I’m sorry. But to answer your question, the relevance to my research on my sense is the following. I see the world differently from you. You know that. But I don’t think you realise the significance of it. Humans (or any species) are all trapped interpreting the world with the brains and the bodies they have. They can build elaborate models of reality which serve greater or lesser purposes and which may be useful to a large degree or not. Yet all of these models are constructs of the human senses and intellect. They have to be. Philosophers and scientists insist that they are helping us get closer to the objective truth, but they are acting like their predecessors five hundred years ago who insisted that the Earth was the centre of the universe.
The way humans see the world is like the proverbial drunk looking for his keys in the light of the streetlamp - he looks there because he can see there, not because his keys are more likely to be there. Humans are stuck looking there.
As for personal stuff, well, you know that I’m a bit restricted as to what I can tell you. I seem to have rebuilt my strength after the Institute nightmare, though I do have some strange dreams.
Speaking of which, I really enjoyed your diary entry about foetuses dreaming in the womb. Maybe they dream, about the things they can experience from the outside world, mostly sounds. What do people who are blind from birth dream about anyway? Maybe our foetus has my sense and can tell more of what’s outside your body than you can imagine.
As for naming options, what about Alexander? I’ve always liked that name. And I think John and Kelly would be fine as legal guardians.
Take care of both of you.
I love you,
B
To : B
Subject : RE: Wrapped up
Date : Thu, 6 Feb 2003 20:18:43 -0500 (EST)My love,
I think Alexander’s a great name! I thought it might be a bit old-fashioned, but you know what - I really like it. So Alex it is. Of course francophones are going to spell it Alexandre, but he’ll just have to live with that.
Thanks for explaining a bit more about your research. It’s pretty damn hard to follow what you’re getting at, though. Aren’t scientists and philosophers getting closer to the truth? Isn’t that why we can build nuclear weapons and genetically-modified foods? Because we can control reality more and more every year? So how are humans limited by their senses? They seem to do pretty well to me.
Did you see the Michael Jackson interview wherever you are? Speaking of genetic modification…
Keep writing, even if it’s just to say hi. Your emails are my fuel to help me through the days now that I’m starting to get really tired of having little Alex inside me.
I love you,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Yellow alert!
Date : Fri, 7 Feb 2003S,
I just couldn’t help laughing when I saw the news today. Bush has put the nation on Yellow Alert. Isn’t that what Captain Kirk used to do in the original Star Trek series when they came across an unidentified ship or something? I’m surprised Bush didn’t tell the marines to set their phasers on ‘stun’ and get Condoleeza Rice to try hailing the enemy on all frequencies.
The only question is, who are the guys in the red shirts this time. The Brits? Maybe us?
Hope you’re okay and not on any kind of alert.
Love,
B
To : B
Subject : RE: Yellow alert!
Date : Fri, 7 Feb 2003 22:01:00 -0500 (EST)Hi B,
You’re so funny! I love you so much and I really miss hearing your laugh and sharing jokes with you like this one.
I almost forgot - I received the money today. Thank you from Alex and mommy.
Got to sleep now.
S
To : B
Subject : Happy Birthday!
Date : Sat, 8 Feb 2003 10:13:56 -0500 (EST)Hi Birthday Boy,
Well, it’s hard to know what to wish someone when you have no idea where they are or what they’re doing, so I’ll wish that you find what you’re looking for and come back to me and Alex before your next birthday.
I’m going into town this afternoon to watch Confessions of a Dangerous Mind with Kelly and John. It’s the movie directed by George Clooney, starring him, a guy whose name I’ve forgotten and Drew Barrymore which was shot in Montreal exactly a year ago. Do you remember me telling you that George actually came into Olga’s one day, but it was on the weekend and I wasn’t working. I was so pissed off!
I’m going to tell them that we’d like them to be Alex’s legal guardians. John and Kelly, I mean, not George and Drew!
Please write back when you get this and let me know you’re safe on your birthday.
I love you,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Thanks
Date : Sat, 8 Feb 2003S,
That’s so sweet of you to remember, with everything that’s going on right now. Then again, you do have a copy of my birth certificate, so I guess it wouldn’t be too easy to forget ;-)
I had a quiet day reading and doing research, as usual. This evening I went out for dinner by myself. I don’t know anyone in this place.
In fact I really miss you today. It would have been so nice to spend a birthday together for the first time. I wish I could promise you that next year we’ll be together, but I can’t, you know that. I really hope so, though.
You’ve probably already left for the movie by now. Enjoy.
I love you too and am thinking about you a lot.
B
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Alex
Date : Sun, 9 Feb 2003S,
I was thinking about Alex today and realised something very interesting: at the moment Alex only exists in your body and mind. I suppose he also exists in my mind and your parents’ minds, but basically it’s you who imagine him - you who conjures up his personality in your mind.
Another interesting thing is that I read in the news today that US soldiers are getting their sperm frozen in record numbers in case they can’t have children when they return from Iraq because of Saddam’s chemical weapons. Bit of a gulf (pun intended) between their situation and that of the Iraqi soldiers… The Americans are so sure that they’re going to be home again fairly soon and that the worst thing that can happen is that their sperm count will be low. The Iraqi’s must be wondering whether, if they survive the war, they’ll have homes to go to. Perspective rears its pretty head again…
B
To : B
Subject : RE: Alex
Date : Sun, 9 Feb 2003 17:35:02 -0500 (EST)B,
What the heck are you talking about, that I conjure up Alex’s personality in my mind? Sorry - I don’t get this at all.
S
PS - Kelly and John agreed to be Alex’s legal guardians. They were really happy.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: RE: Alex
Date : Mon, 10 Feb 2003S,
Well, I guess I knew what I meant but I didn’t explain it very well. You know how dead people only exist in our minds, in our memories, dreams and imaginations (“What would so-and-so do if he were still alive?”)…? Unless you believe in an afterlife, of course, which I know you don’t. That’s why rich people build monuments to themselves, or have buildings and foundations named after themselves. They know that being remembered is the only real way they’ll continue to exist.
Anyway, what I’m getting at is that sometimes people can exist only in other people’s minds. (Even if you’re alive you exist in other people’s minds, but at least you exist in yours too!) And that’s the situation for Alex right now. He has no sense of self, obviously, but he does in your mind. You must already be imagining him doing certain things in the future, acting certain ways. Not only that, but he only exists physically in your body. So he’s not autonomous in any way at all. It’s a very strange and interesting situation, which at the same time is the most common and ordinary situation you can imagine, as millions of babies are growing in millions of uteruses at any given moment.
Do you see what I mean now? I’m still not sure I’ve explained this very well.
B
To : B
Subject : ?
Date : Mon, 10 Feb 2003 10:05:43 -0500 (EST)B,
I’m sorry, my love, but this time I’m lost. I don’t see what this has to do with anything. I just feel like saying, so what? But that would be rude.
I’m not going to be able to write long emails until after the baby is born, as my carpal tunnel syndrome is getting worse. You should see how swollen my hands are!
I love you,
S
PS - Wrote my will today. Feel old!
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: ?
Date : Tue, 11 Feb 2003My love,
There’s no need to be sorry that you don’t understand all my ramblings. Don’t forget - I see the world differently.
The significant thing about what I was saying in yesterday’s email, from a political perspective, is that if a foetus only exists as a person in your mind and in your body, then you have control over it, both physically, AND as a ‘person’. I used to think about abortion quite a lot, because I can sense a foetus very clearly, all the time, whereas for most people sight rules, and they only really see the foetus at the moment of birth. So it’s easy for them to make the logical step that the baby was a baby the whole time it was in the uterus, ie. a small human being which is alive in the same way that other human beings are. Whereas for me it’s very clear that a foetus is far from being an independent organism and shouldn’t have the rights one gives to independent organisms.
I know your arms and hands hurt, so I’m not expecting a big online debate about this. I just wanted to explain myself.
I love you and miss you.
B
To : B
Subject : Okay…
Date : Tue, 11 Feb 2003 15:09:21 -0500 (EST)B,
Oh, I guess I see what you were getting at. I think. Try not to use your brain too much ;-)
I love you.
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: Okay…
Date : Wed, 12 Feb 2003S,
Very funny… I’ll see what I can do about unhooking my brain. I’ve managed to do it with one organ already, so it shouldn’t be too difficult ;-)
Please try to write to me today.
I love you,
B
To : B
Subject : Moron nurse
Date : Wed, 12 Feb 2003 20:01:27 -0500 (EST)B,
Jesus christ was that ever stressful! I don’t know why they call it a non-stress test because it had exactly the opposite effect on me. The nurse doing the test was the same one who gave the hospital visit presentation a week ago (see entry for Feb 5th.) She’s a total moron. I had this monitor strapped on my belly which recorded the baby’s heart rate. Every time he kicked I had to press a button, so that they could make sure his heart rate increased when he moved (which it’s supposed to). The trouble was, half the time the machine didn’t detect a heartbeat and all this stupid nurse kept doing was tell me to press the monitor tighter on my belly, which I couldn’t do because my arms were so painful with the carpal tunnel syndrome. She didn’t help at all, and I just got more and more panicky because they couldn’t detect the baby’s heartbeat properly. Finally after an hour she stopped the test and told me to get an ultrasound, for which I had to wait an hour. I phoned mom in tears while I was waiting because I was so stressed about it.
The ultrasound showed that everything is fine - it was just the idiot nurse who didn’t know how to perform the NST properly. The worse thing is, she’s pregnant, but doesn’t seem to have any appreciation how stressful a situation like that can be for an expectant mother. She also talked to this Asian patient who couldn’t understand English properly as though she was stupid, when it’s actually the other way round.
Anyway, the good news and bad news is that they could tell from the ultrasound that the baby is already 8lbs 9oz! Good for baby, bad for mommy who’s trying to get baby out of very small opening!
I have to take it easy now, as the whole thing exhausted me. I even had another appointment with Dr. Stavrianos this afternoon. She was really pissed off when I told her about the nurse. She’s a good doctor.
I love you too.
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: Moron nurse
Date : Wed, 12 Feb 2003My poor love,
I read your email and I felt so bad that I wasn’t there to help get you through this today. I could have told you with my sense that it was just the test that wasn’t working, not something wrong with the baby. What an idiot this nurse sounds. Are you sure that hospital’s good? Is it too late to change?
Still, good news that the baby is so big and healthy. You must be getting quite excited. I am, and I’m not even there to experience things first hand.
I probably won’t be able to email for two days. Keep writing though, and I’ll be in touch soon.
I love you and miss you.
B
To : B
Subject : Thanks!
Date : Fri, 14 Feb 2003 11:04:54 -0500 (EST)B,
I just got the flowers. Happy Valentine’s Day to you too! You are so, so sweet. It really made my day. I guess it wouldn’t come as a surprise to tell you that I was missing you a bit more than usual this morning when I woke up.
I’m going to take it easy today. Please write when you get this.
Love,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: Thanks!
Date : Fri, 14 Feb 2003S,
You’re welcome! I’m glad you liked them. I wish I could be there to give them to you in person. I can’t say I had my greatest Valentine’s Day ever, as I was travelling for most of it.
I’ve been thinking about something. It’s incredible how even the smallest towns seem to have a Chinese restaurant owned by immigrants from China. It’s like the big cities became saturated with them years ago, and now all that’s left are small towns. But how does a Chinese immigrant know where to go to open his restaurant? Do you think they have a kind of ‘Directory of Unconquered Towns’ in Beijing or Taiwan in which prospective immigrants look up where they should open their restaurant?
“Ahhh…Buttfuck, Idaho. No Chinese there yet. That sound like good place for restaurant. Pack your bags, Ming Lei.” And, just in case anyone out there thinks I just slipped up, no, I’m not in Idaho. Or am I?
I’m thinking about you a lot, my love. Hope you can get some rest tonight.
Love,
B
To : B
Subject :
Date : Sat, 15 Feb 2003 10:17:33 -0500 (EST)B,
It just makes me miss you all the more, when you make me laugh in an email like that.
How’s the research going?
I love you,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE:
Date : Sat, 15 Feb 2003S,
I’m sorry that you miss me so much. I know exactly how you feel.
As for the research, I’m trying to cover several different angles at once, so it’s more of an accumulation of facts and theories rather than a linear progression towards a goal. It’s going well, though not very quickly.
Some of the stuff I’m thinking about is morphology, the form of things. This is something really important to me because regular humans just perceive the surface forms of objects, whereas I sense their solidity as well. I’m also trying to come up with a theory of how information, which doesn’t necessarily have any form, can exist and be transmitted. Does it really exist or is it an illusion? Is it really transmitted or is something else transmitted?
All questions I’m sure you’re dying to know the answer to…;-)
Take care.
Love,
B
To : B
Subject : Marches
Date : Sat, 15 Feb 2003 20:10:05 -0500 (EST)B,
Thanks for the update. Good luck with that. I hoped you were going to tell me that you were making some progress with the search for your birth family, but I guess either it’s not as important as scientific theories to you, or you just want to keep it a secret.
Did you see all these anti-war demonstrations on the news? Even though it’s absolutely freezing there was a huge one in Montreal. Chris must have been there, that’s for sure. I wonder what Dubya’s going to do now…
Oooo, Alex is kicking a lot right now. Right under my ribs. It’s always in the same place. Ow! I guess he misses his daddy.
I love you and miss you as well.
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject :
Date : Sun, 16 Feb 2003S,
OK, I understand that you might be upset that I’m not looking for my family, but how do you know I’m not? How do you know that anything I write is true?
Sara, once you put the blog online you gave up being sure that I’m telling you the truth about where I am and what I’m doing. I’m honest with you about my feelings, but I can’t be about anything specific. Sorry, but that’s the consequence of doing the blog.
I love you so much, and I miss you. I’d really like you to write me some more details about how the pregnancy is going, now that it’s nearing the end. I wish I could share it all with you in person, but I can’t, so at least let me share this way.
B
PS - Yes I did see the news. These are strange times. I wonder if Hitler came to power in Germany now, would people protest a US military intervention to disarm him? The British tried diplomacy in 1938, and it gave Hitler an extra year to build up his armed forces. Nobody seems to be mentioning this now.
To : B
Subject : RE:
Date : Sun, 16 Feb 2003 16:43:28 -0500 (EST)B,
You sounded very cold in that email. I didn’t like reading it. So you’re lying to me and you’re in favour of Bush going to war for oil? Put me in a great mood. So here are some details about how I’m coping with being 8 ½ months pregnant alone:
I’m trying to get as much rest as I can. Everybody I know who’s ever had a baby says that I should rest as much as possible now because there isn’t going to be any for me after he’s born, but I can’t. I’m exhausted all the time, because my arms hurt so much they keep me up half the night.
I think the diet is working though, because my blood glucose level has been pretty good since I started it.
Mom’s been great. I needed some new slippers today and she went out and got them for me. It hurts to put my boots on, so I’m trying to go out as little as possible.
I know it must seem like I’m complaining a lot, but I didn’t think there would be this many annoying side effects to being pregnant. I just want him out of there now. The other good news when I had the ultrasound last week was that he’s in the right position (head down, though he’s not moved down where he should be when I start my labour).
There you go. That’s the news. The truth.
S
PS - You said in your email yesterday that you know exactly how I feel. Well, I don’t think you do, new sense or no new sense.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Disagreements
Date : Tue, 18 Feb 2003S,
I guess there are some things we just don’t agree on, and we shouldn’t really bother discussing them. For the record (especially as this is going to be put online for the world to see) I’m not “in favour of Bush going to war for oil.” I’m just pointing out that Saddam is as dangerous a dictator as Hitler was, and that in 1938 diplomacy not only failed, but made things worse, by giving him time to make himself stronger.
Let’s try to forget about this. I know I upset you and I don’t want to make you feel that way at this late stage of the pregnancy.
Please write back to me and let me know you’re OK.
I really love you.
B
PS - Here’s something for you and anyone else who reads this to think about: if you’re looking for something don’t look at things; look at spaces.
To : B
Subject : RE: Disagreements
Date : Tue, 18 Feb 2003 10:58:02 -0500 (EST)B,
Look at spaces? Okay, I’m really pissed off now. I’m getting sick of your cryptic sayings, fucked-up theories and asking me how I’m doing when you know I’m not happy here without you. I’ll say it again - I’m really pissed off now.
So I can’t write back to let you know I’m okay - I’m NOT OKAY.
I have a huge day of doctors’ appointments tomorrow. I probably won’t write.
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: RE: Disagreements
Date : Tue, 18 Feb 2003S,
I don’t understand why you’re so pissed off. It’s not like you just found out something new about me or my situation. I’ve told you many times: I wish I could be there with you but I feel like it’s safer for you and the baby if I’m not. I don’t know what other way to say it.
I’ve sent you money, which right now is the best I can do. I want to come back but there are reasons I can’t, and the main one is that Sean would find me in two seconds.
I only want the best for the three of us. I think you’re feeling tired and emotional right now, which is normal in your situation, so I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to say.
I love you,
B
To : B
Subject :
Date : Thu, 20 Feb 2003 10:23:50 -0500 (EST)B,
I’ve decided not to email you for a while - at least until after Alex is born. I just can’t handle these exchanges in my current emotional and physical state. I’m sorry. I do love you, I know I do, but right now I’m having a lot of trouble feeling it. I know you’re doing what you think is right, so there’s no point saying that again. Just come back as soon as you can, or give me some real information about where you are and when you plan to return, and then we’ll see where we are as a couple. At the moment I’m feeling so negative about our relationship I can’t even describe it.
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE:
Date : Thu, 20 Feb 2003S,
I guess I won’t be able to change your mind about this, so I won’t try. Just believe me when I say that I love you, care about you and am only trying to help.
There is one thing I’d like you to do though. Could you change your address on the hospital registration forms because you have already put the hospital name online and I’m worried that Sean might go there and find out where you live.
I’m saying this because, whether you believe it or not, my priority is you, Alex and your safety. Please just do that and let me know you’ve done it so I can stop worrying.
I love you,
B
To : B
Subject : RE: RE:
Date : Thu, 20 Feb 2003 17:39:01 -0500 (EST)B,
Okay, I’ll change the address.
Take care.
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Parents
Date : Thu, 27 Feb 2003S,
I haven’t lied to you about my parents. Their clinic isn’t listed under their name, and their home number isn’t in the directory at all for various reasons.
However I’ve been trying to call them since Tuesday evening and can’t seem to track them down. I’m really worried but I can’t go to Vancouver to check on them because all this might just be some ruse by Sean to get me to go there.
I love you very much and think about you often.
B
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Parents
Date : Sat, 1 Mar 2003S,
I still don’t know what’s happened to my parents and it’s freaking me out. I can’t go there to check up on them; it’s too easy for Sean to have got them to change their phone number or something so that I’d rush back to Vancouver to see what’s happened.
I’ve been thinking about Alex and how I’d love to be a part of his life as he grows up. If anything happens to me though, I’d like you to ask him this one question, when he’s older: What’s the point of building a sandcastle if the sea just washes it away?
If he can figure that out he’ll never be unhappy.
I love you and will be thinking about you a lot for the next few days. Please email me or post some news on the blog as soon as you can after the birth.
B
To : B
Subject : Alex
Date : Thu, 6 Mar 2003 20:12:36 -0500 (EST)Dear B,
Alex was born at 2.50am on March 4th and is a perfect, cute little human being. He weighed 9lbs and is 54¼ inches long.
I came home to mom’s today. I’m fine, but very tired and sore. Alex is fine too, and eats like a pig!
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE : Alex
Date : Thu, 6 Mar 2003S,
I’m so happy to hear the news. I miss you so much and wish I was there to see you both. I really hope you’ll forgive me one day for not being there with you. You’re a wonderful person and I love you very much.
I’m writing something for Alex that I hope he’ll read one day.
Please send other news or post it when you can.
I’m thinking about you. Please kiss Alex for me and tell him his father loves him and will try to give him a real kiss soon.
B
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Stephanie
Date : Fri, 14 Mar 2003S,
I just read the emails from Stephanie and the football report she sent to you. The emails didn’t come from her and the newspaper report is fake. Please believe me and don’t respond to any more of her emails. I’m sure that this is Sean’s doing. Don’t forget, anyone can pretend in an email that they’re someone they’re not (especially when you never knew them or their address before).
The whole thing about my name being Brad isn’t true - it’s just Sean trying to trick you into losing faith in me. I can’t prove any of this, but there is one thing that might give you a clue: “Stephanie” says she’s in T.O. now, but the timezone stamp on her email says -8000, which is Pacific time. I think Sean is in Vancouver, waiting for me. He’s already tried to trick me to go there by getting my parents to change their phone number. The bit in “Stephanie’s” email about my parents closing their practice isn’t true - I’ve found them now and they’re okay. I think he’s been trying to get me to go to BC and this is a part of those activities. He overlooked the timezone stamp however, and I hope it’s enough to make you belive me.
As for the report, most of it is accurate, I did play in that game, but Sean probably got someone to fake a new version of it in Photoshop with my name changed. You read on my adoption declaration that my name is Ben, and that’s what I was known as in school: Ben Cohen. Brad is just the name I told you when I met you.
Please believe me, Sara. I love you, and Sean is just trying to drive a wedge between us. I’m really trying to figure out what to do to end this terrible situation so that I can be with you and Alex. How is he? How are you? Do you have any photos you can send me?
Please take care. Watch your back, especially if you go into Montreal.
Love,
B
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : The War
Date : Sat, 22 Mar 2003Hi S,
I know you don’t want any emails from me, but this is bugging me so much I had to get it off my chest.
The war coverage is a perfect example of what I was talking to you about when we had that argument over relativity in the news last year. I heard some celebrity or other asking for a moment of silence at some show or other because of what’s going on in Iraq. But stuff like this goes on EVERY DAY somewhere in the world. Of course, from the point of view of technology it’s news, but from the point of view of human suffering, it isn’t. And while there’s blanket coverage of the war on every network, what about the news that they would have been covering if the war wasn’t going on? I doubt that murderers have stopped murdering. I doubt that famines have ended. I doubt that natural disasters have been put on hold for the duration. Yet we won’t hear about them. So if they aren’t important enough to talk about now, why are they important enough to talk about anytime?
This war is just a big show. I don’t really agree with the anti-war protesters, because they’re disingenuous - they’re not really morally opposed to the war, despite the suffering of the innocents they refer to. No, they’re aesthetically opposed to the war; they actually find this show of strength by the US distasteful. It’s a matter of taste. Saddam is no better than Hitler - he kills his own people, he puts his people in the line of fire on purpose to get PR out of their deaths. (Would the Us or Britain do that? No, they would evacuate innocent people in the same circumstances.) How can anyone be morally opposed to ending his rule. Even in terms of numbers of deaths, the war will probably prevent deaths in the long term. As for the French and the Russians, they are opposed to the war because oil companies from their countries have signed deals with Saddam, which US companies aren’t allowed to because of the boycott.
Nevertheless, the war is just a big show, and Bush is just as disingenuous as his opponents. It’s all a big PR exercise which is going to backfire on him, just like it did on his father.
Anyway, my point was about the news coverage and the reaction of celebrities. Doesn’t anyone realise that innocent people are killed by armies every single day. Why not march and hold minutes of silence and send news crews to these places every single day? Because the US isn’t involved. It’s all a big show…
I know you don’t want to hear it, and I’m not expecting a reply, but I am thinking about you and Alex all the time. I hope you are well. It sounds from your blog entries that things are fine. I love you.
B
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Café-au-lait man
Date : Tue, 25 Mar 2003S,
The guy that you call café-au-lait man isn’t in league with Sean - he’s been working for me this whole time. I needed someone to make sure you were OK while I wasn’t there. I don’t know why he was talking to Sean, but I’m going to find out. I’m even more worried about you and Alex now though. Don’t go to Montreal if you don’t have to, and especially don’t go to Olga’s.
Love,
B
To : B
Subject : Olga
Date : Wed, 26 Mar 2003 21:36:59 -0500 (EST)B,
Olga is dead. Read the blog. I’m so upset I can’t write more now. I wish you were here.
S
To : B
Subject : Olga
Date : Thu, 27 Mar 2003 09:42:27 -0500 (EST)B,
Did you get yesterday’s email? Please read today’s blog post and let me know if you read my last email.
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE : Olga
Date : Thu, 27 Mar 2003I only just went online and read about Olga. I’m really upset too. I also have a very bad feeling that this has something to do with me. I’m looking into something and I’ll get back to you when I can.
I love you,
B
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE : Olga
Date : Fri, 28 Mar 2003S, I’m not sure about this, but I think that it might have been Sean who died in the fire with Olga. I have reason to believe this, but I can’t be sure. My theory is that Sean might have gone to visit Olga to try and get her to tell him where your mother lives so he can find you and Alex. I’m sure Olga wouldn’t have told him, but maybe she realised the danger you were both in and did something to keep him there while she set fire to the place. This is just a theory, but it would explain a lot. It’s hard to believe that this fire was just an accident. Or maybe Sean threatened Olga, and things got out of hand, the fire started accidentally and he was trapped in there. Like I said, though, I have reason to believe that the mystery guy who was killed with Olga was Sean. Try not to go to the bar for the moment until I can be sure of all this. Love, B
To : B
Subject : RE : RE : Olga
Date : Fri, 28 Mar 2003 12:01:38 -0500 (EST)B,
I can’t believe it! Could it really be Sean who died? I know it’s not a nice thing to say, but I hope it was. Would you come back then? Please? Alex needs his father, and to be honest with you, I need you.
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE : RE : RE : Olga
Date : Fri, 28 Mar 2003S,
I promise that if Sean is dead, I will come back. I love you and I miss you so much. I really want to see little Alex. He just seems like a fantasy to me at the moment.
Love,
B
To : B
Subject : I love you
Date : Fri, 28 Mar 2003 12:08:52 -0500 (EST)B,
I love you and I miss you so much too. I really hope you can come back. I’m sorry if I doubted you. I just want you back. You’ve got a son here who’s so adorable if you saw him you’d never leave again. Please let me know what’s going on and when you think you’ll be back. S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE : I love you
Date : Sat, 29 Mar 2003S,
I love you too, Sara. I’m sure you’re right - if I came back and saw Alex I’d never leave. That’s why I have to be sure that we’d be safe before I can come back. I hired Patrick Clare (café au lait man) for that very reason - to check what was going on in Montreal for me while I’m not there.
I don’t want to write too much about this or go into any details, because I guess you’ll be putting this online, but I received an email from Patrick this morning, saying he was quitting. He agreed with my theory that it was Sean who died in the fire with Olga, and told me that he wasn’t needed any more. He said that it was safe for me to go to Montreal now and that he doesn’t think I should stay away from my family any longer.
So I am thinking about returning to Montreal soon. I don’t want you to get too excited, because it won’t be tomorrow, but it looks like I might be seeing both of you soon.
Love,
B
To : B
Subject : Excited
Date : Sat, 29 Mar 2003 14:30:06 -0500 (EST)B,
Well, sorry, but I am excited. You can’t blame me, can you? I’ve even told Alex that he might be seeing his daddy soon. He’s so cute, it’s incredible. I can’t believe how fast he’s growing. None of his newborn clothes fit him any more.
Tomorrow evening they’re having a wake for Olga at the Bijoux up on Rachel (we went there once with Molly and Polly) and I’m going to go. I want to see Kelly and John too, so I’m going over to their place beforehand. After what you told me about café-au-lait guy I’m considering visiting my old apartment with Kelly and John and asking him a few questions. I’m pretty sure you’re not going o be too happy about it, but after everything that’s happened I think it’s wise. Anyway, Kelly and John will be with me, so you needn’t worry.
The little monster is stirring, so I’d better feed him.
Take care,
Love,
S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE : Excited
Date : Sat, 29 Mar 2003S,
You’re right - I’m not happy about you going to your old apartment and confronting Patrick. It’s pointless - he won’t tell you anything. I pay him very well, and even though he’s quitting, for which I’m not quite sure I understand his motives, he’s been very loyal to me. I’m sure Sean must have offered him huge sums of money over the last year to betray me, but he hasn’t.
I can’t stop you going, but I’d rather you didn’t. It’s really pointless.
I love you. Please be careful.
B
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Patrick Clare
Date : Sun, 30 Mar 2003S,
I was afraid that you wouldn’t find Patrick Clare at your old apartment. I’m worried that the email I received from him yesterday was actually from Sean, using Clare’s address. I have reason to suspect that it may have been Clare, not Sean who died in the fire with Olga. Maybe this was Sean’s masterplan to get me to think he was dead, so I’d return to Montreal. Maybe Sean confronted Clare and ended up killing him, then disposed of the body at Olga’s apartment. No, that doesn’t make sense. The point is, Clare has disappeared and there was something odd about the email I got from him saying he was quitting, something in the words he used. Not only that, but just the fact that he quit so abruptly after all this time and has now disappeared worries the hell out of me.
I have to ask you again not to go to Montreal, Sara. Maybe you could ask Kelly and John to check on your apartment to see if Patrick Clare reappears, but please just stay at your mother’s and look after Alex.
I need to try to figure out what to do next.
I love you,
B
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : Hang on in there
Date : Mon, 31 Mar 2003S,
I read today’s post and I want you to know that I’m doing everything I can to make sure it’s safe for all of us in Montreal so that we can start living life together as a family.
I still haven’t heard back from Patrick Clare, however. Let me know if Kelly finds out anything.
I love you. I miss you.
B
To : B
Subject : The second body
Date : Wed, 2 Apr 2003 11:07:07 -0500 (EST)B,
I just thought of something - wouldn’t you be able to use your sense to identify the second body from the fire at Olga’s apartment? Surely you could, even if their skin is all burnt. You knew both Sean and Patrick Clare, so you must have known them according to your sense, as well as visually? You told me once that you could recognise Sean using your sense. Why don’t you come to Montreal and ask the police to let you identify the body? S
To : sarasam78@hotmail.com
Subject : RE : The second body
Date : Wed, 2 Apr 2003S,
Yes, you’re right - I could probably identify the body. It’s just that I’m trying some other methods first, before sticking my head up above the trench, as it were. I’m working on it, believe me. Love, B